Vern Vern

-When I was about four or five, I was at my uncle’s with my sister and my sister was carrying around this baby doll that was, umm, dark.  My uncle kept telling my sister that she had a black baby and she kept swearing up and down that the baby doll wasn’t black, it was just dark-skinned.  Yeah.

Well, my uncle kept calling this baby doll an extremely racist, horrible name that I won’t bother to type and my sister kept getting more and more upset about it until she started crying.  It was the first time in my life I had ever laughed so hard that I cried.

-Also at my uncles, my uncle and my cousin were playing poker on a glass-top table and my sister kept sticking her head underneath the table, looking at my uncle’s cards, and telling my cousin what they were.  My cousin didn’t want to know what my uncle’s cards were, so she was getting upset with my sister.  My uncle was, obviously, getting upset with her as well because, well, she was saying what his cards were.

So, my sister kept reading off my uncle’s cards and my uncle and my cousin kept redrawing so the game would be fair to both of them.  After a while, my uncle had finally had enough of this, so when my sister was underneath the table, he motioned for her to come closer.  She did.  He motioned for her again and again until she brought her face up close to the glass. Once she did that, he slammed his hand down over the spot on the table that her face was under.  She jerked her head back so fast!  Oh my God, just typing that out makes me laugh.  If only you could have saw her face!

-Also, along the same lines as that last one, I was with a bunch of people at the City Museum in Saint Louis once and, while we were there, we saw a circus.  So this guy was on the stage and juggling bowling pins when he pointed out this little girl that was outside the room the circus was in.  She was sitting on a bench looking in through a glass window.  Well, the juggler pointed her out and all of a sudden threw one of the bowling pins at the glass she was looking through.  She got so scared that she fell backwards off the bench.  Then, the girl started crying, got up, and ran away.  I was laughing so hard.

-One time, I was at an ex-girlfriend’s house and she said “Alright, let’s go in the living room for a spell.”  I think it was just because I was super slap happy, but that cracked me up.  Once I thought I was finally done laughing at that, I got up and started towards the living room.  When I got to the living room, though, I remembered her saying “for a spell” and I started laughing again.  I ended up falling in the floor I was laughing so hard.

-When I was a lot younger, it was my dream to be a talk show host.  It was probably the second thing I ever wanted to be “when I grew up.”  So, I used to stay up late and watch “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and, if I was able to stay awake, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” 

Well, one night Conan did a bit where he went out in a huge New York blizzard.  He was doing all these cheap jokes like where he’d take a shovel and bury a taxi cab with snow and what-have-you until he came across this old man.  He asked the old man if the blizzard that they were in was the worst blizzard he had ever seen. The old man balked and said “No!  When I was younger, we had snow two stories high and there was a man walking around shooting horses in the head.”  I had to bury my face into my pillow so my laughter wouldn’t wake up my family. 

That’s so funny, though.  Like, where would there be snow two stories high?  And why was a man going around shooting horses in their heads?  That just seems so odd to me.  Was he just shooting the horses for the fun of it?  Or was he doing it for food?  I don’t know.  Conan cracked up at it, though, and I did too.

Still to this day I reference that old man whenever we have a bad snow.  So funny. 

-We used to have a video store here in town, Hollywood Video.  One time when I was walking in, I heard this older guy who sounded just like Elmer Fudd telling a story to these little kids.  The only part of the story I heard as I was walking by was the old guy saying “S-s-so I said to him, ‘Listen up, you little shit ass…’,”

I had to run in the store so he wouldn’t hear me laughing at him.  Jesus, just think about that for a second:  Think of Elmer Fudd saying “S-s-so I said to him’ Listen up, you little shit ass’,” and try not to laugh.  It was so funny.  What kind of insult is that, anyway?  Shit ass?  That doesn’t make much sense.  Was he trying to say that that other kid had a shitty ass?  Like, he doesn’t wipe properly or something? 

I don’t know what I rented that weekend, but I guarantee you that it wasn’t anywhere as entertaining as Elmer Fudd.

-I went to a local wrestling show once and at one point, a bad guy came out and started trash talking everyone.  He grabbed a microphone and just really ripped on everyone there.  He called the audience “trailer trash” and told us we all smelled and needed baths.  The usual kind of cheap, bad guy insults. 

Well, there was this chubby little (possibly Hawaiian) kid in the front row who had a bag of popcorn and this kid did not like the bad guy.  This little kid with the popcorn was booing the hell out of the bad guy and the bad guy just kept on going.  So, the little kid started to boo the bad guy over the bad guy’s lines and eventually the bad guy had had enough.  The bad guy stepped on the bottom rope, pointed straight at the little fat kid and yelled “Stuff your face with popcorn, fatty!”

Immediately after yelling that, the little kid with the popcorn sat down and started frowning.  He was trying to hide it, but the bad guy really made him upset.

Oh my God, I’m cracking up at this.

So, the bad guy made the little kid with the popcorn upset and I, without thinking, started pointing at the kid, yelled “He upset him!,” and started laughing my ass off.  The girl I was with was embarrassed but I could tell she thought it was funny too.  It wasn’t until about five seconds into my laughing that I thought “Oh wait, I don’t want that kid to hear my laughing at him.”  I bit my tongue and tried to hold back my cackling.  Good God, was that funny, though.  

The next day, I tried to tell my dad about that kid, but I couldn’t get through the story due to how hard I was laughing.

Haha that’s enough for now.  Maybe I’ll post some more funny stories in the future.  Probably not, though.